Pain and Pleasure

I feel my body the most in pain.

I am reminded too, when I feel period cramps again each month, that a month has passed. I remember that time moves. That seasons are changing. That my body feels pain and darkness. The rhythm of my body has mostly felt dependable. That pain feels cyclical, connected with the passage of time. But my feelings around it have changed.

My ex and I used to be overjoyed when I would get my period. I’d text him immediately and we’d congratulate each other on the fact that I wasn’t pregnant.

I don’t want my period anymore. I don’t feel that sense of relief or joy. I feel sadness that a new chapter of my life isn’t beginning yet. That I can’t start to create someone with the person I love. My monthly return to my body no longer brings me any joy but instead pain alone.

The main way your body is supposed to give you pleasure, I have never felt. It’s something I can’t bear to speak out loud. Let alone write. I know so many people also struggle with it. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

This is the first relationship I’ve been in where I’ve been honest about that fact. It’s changed a lot. In so many positive ways. But it also means I’m more vulnerable than I ever have been. I’m sharing a part of myself I’ve barely ever acknowledged. Now, we’re exploring things together. We’re trying and giving each other grace and experiencing pain and pleasure together. It makes me feel so much closer to him.

I have to acknowledge also how good and in my body I do feel in this relationship. I feel the most myself with his hands around my waist. I’m starting to love my imperfections because I know he does. I’m starting to accept my double chin and my acne scars and the waves of my cellulite. It is worth having a body just to be touched by him. To have a body that can be physically loved in this way.